Happy New Year

Dear Friends,

Here's a compilation of jokes etc,I saved over the year and thought it a good way to end the Year... with a laugh.
Wishing you a peaceful and healthy 2010.

Matt and Myrna

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly
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Subject: You've got to love old men!

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food
court when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting
next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colours: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept
staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old
man staring everytime. When the teenager had enough,
he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never
done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk
once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if
you were my son."
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THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR IN USA.

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... and WON!

(Stay with me.)
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not come this way again," giving obvious pleasure to many in the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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Pastor Updyke unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday with the slogan: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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At the barbers...
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets a haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
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HONESTY COUNTS
There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound and he found that he was not. This angered him and he took the farmer to court.

The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measure. The farmer replied, your Honour, I am primitive. I don't have a proper measure, but I do have a scale. The judge asked "Then how do you weigh the butter?"
The farmer replied "Your Honour, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him. Every day when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter. If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker."

What is the moral of the story? We get back in life what we give to others.

Whenever you take an action, ask yourself this question - Am I giving fair value for the wages or money I hope to make ?

Honesty and dishonesty become a habit. Some people practice dishonesty and can lie with a straight face. Others lie so much that they don't even know what the truth is anymore. But who are they deceiving ? Themselves -- more than anyone else.
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"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.
"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he also wondered if he had done anything wrong due to his drunkenness. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M.., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and you got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum had to drag you into the bedroom and when she tried to take your trousers and pants off, you screamed at her, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table £239.99
Hot Breakfast £4.20
Two Aspirins 38p
Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS
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EVEN "DEAR ABBY" ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THESE...

Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a
social worker in her mid twenties. These two women
go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go
into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language
and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby:
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not
even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby:
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I
think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't
know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby:
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around,
and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything
and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I 've seen it.
Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby:
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$150.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.
He must be crazy.

Dear Abby:
I was married to Paul for three months and I didn't
know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is
going through mental pause.

Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest
in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex and he is adoctor. Now what do I do?
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,! "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question:

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not? Don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: (with a hurt look) You would?
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure. It's a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably. It is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would you give her my jewellery?
HUSBAND: No. I'm sure she'd want her own.

WIFE: Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: Yes. Those are always good times.

WIFE: Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: No. She's left-handed.

WIFE: (silence)
HUSBAND: ... ... Shit.

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What better way to close the year than this message that was sent to me today by my Niece,Lorraine.
Let's make,"TRUTH", "GOODNESS" and "USEFULNESS" our slogan for 2010

The Socrates Triple Filter Test

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is TRUTH. “Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and...."

All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS. “Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”

"No, on the contrary..."

"So", Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about my friend, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of USEFULNESS. “Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”

“No… not really…”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
So, lets use this triple filter each time we hear loose talk about any of our near & dear ones (friends/relatives/colleagues). It will save us time and trouble.
Our love to all,
Matt and Myrna

All the above were sent by Sir, Mr. Lobo and Myrna.
I think there could be no better way to start the New Year!!
oN BEHALF OF ALL OF YOU
I would like to wish Sir and Myrna a very Happy New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY !!