Some Old Men's Jokes from Keith Hayward

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Eddie, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?
Eddie says, "I feel just like a newborn baby.
"Really? Like a newborn baby?
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
************
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating;
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red
and has thorns.
"Do you mean a rose?
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?
***********
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged..
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him..
"I don't know," he said.. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.
***********
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?
"Sure.
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.
"No, I can remember it.
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so as not to forget it?
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon
and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?
***********
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?
"Yep!
"Do I know her?
"Nope!
"This woman, is she good looking?
"Not really.
"Is she a good cook?
"Naw, she can't cook too well.
"Does she have lots of money?
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse.
"Well, then, is she good in bed?
"I don't know.
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?
"Because she can still drive!
***********
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?
" Twelve thirty .
**********
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'you've got a heart murmur; be
careful.
***********
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?
"No," he replied, "Arthritis.