When I wrote to you about communication before I jokingly called the article Emotional Atyachar - Use Emotions to Communicate Better . In that article I said that it's not reason or logic that helps get the message across, it's emotions. By evoking emotions in your listener you can get them to see your side, believe your ideas, buy your products...
The greatest communicators understand the power of evoking emotion through their words... Watch Obama stand up in a crowd of thousands and move them to tears... listen to Modi's impassioned voice rise and fall, bringing our nation to its feet ... and you will understand what I mean. - Emotional Atyachaar: Use It to Communicate Better
Infusing emotions in your words can make them more effective, yes. But I never talked about the opposite. I never addressed the issue that these powerful emotions, when evoked, can cause as much pain as good. Although words can evoke strong emotions, these emotions can be positive, or negative.
"The signs of a strong marriage can be seen in the bite marks on your tongue, from biting back angry words when you are fighting," a friend in a long happy marriage had once told me.
Words can hurt, they can scar, they can destroy relationships and cripple self-esteem. This is true not just of marriages but of any relationship. Friendships, employer-employee, student-teacher, even family. Have you ever witnessed those long, bitter, battles between siblings? Have you ever craved approval from your parents and instead got scolded?
We teach children this old rhyme saying, 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me'. Truth is, they absolutely can.Words can be weapons . If you're going to drop a bomb, be ready for the consequence of shattered lives, limbs and hearts, as you will see in this video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43whWBK1gc4
Your words are more powerful than you know. Once spoken, they are out there, and become the weapons that hurt both you and those around you. Years later, when you've forgotten your anger, someone will still carry the wound in their heart. Like the children in this video whose parents' words drove them to a life of abuse and crime.
Who have you stabbed with your words? 'You are a disgrace, a moron, useless, you are garbage' ? Who are you shooting at with the bullets of your gaalis*?
The dark side of honesty
I've always been very proud of being straightforward. If a thought crossed my mind I would say it, whatever it was, as it was. Honest, to a fault.
But there's more to that phrase than I had considered. It's called being honest to a fault because there is a fault in it. When words are spewing out of my mouth unchecked, am I thinking about what impact these words are having on those around me? Or am I so obsessed with being seen as 'an honest person' that I don't care who I'm hurting?
Honesty can easily be used as an excuse to lash out. I am right, therefore I will say what I want.
But compassion is as important as honesty. If you are honestly going to shatter a life, break a heart, or bring forth a tear, then your honesty is worse than a lie.
Instead, soften your honesty with a filter of kindness.
Convey honesty with words that get your message across in a helpful productive way, instead of an angry harmful way.
Words can be harmful, or words can be productive
In Satyamev Jayate, Aamir talks about some very difficult issues, and he is faced with the bureaucrats and politicians that can do something about them, but don't. He is honest. In fact the whole premise of the show is that truth will triumph (satyamev jayate).
But he doesn't point fingers and just distribute blame. He is constructive in his use of words, communicating through facts and feelings to bring the issue to the fore, to make people realize what the reality is, or what a mess things are in.
And his show is effective. It moves people to tears and action. His words heal and inspire.
Because he uses simple authentic communication to connect with people on the grounds of common good. Let us all work together to accept this honest truth and change it.
So use your words to help, not hurt
When you're being honest, let your honesty benefit people. Honest but angry rants are rarely helpful, and won't change anything.
"Words are... the most powerful drug used by mankind," said Rudyard Kipling. It's a drug we all have access to. We must choose how to use it.
When someone yells at us, we often shut down. If you scold your employee saying, 'Idiot, what a bad job you have done,' they are not thinking that 'next time I will do a better job'. They get defensive and think, 'it wasn't my fault.' Nothing changes, a relationship gets stressed, and feelings are hurt.
A good leader will approach the issue calmly, communicate what should have been done, and help people to do a better job.
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, the old saying goes. If you communicate with someone kindly, they will go out of their way to do a better job. If you are vindictive, they will do a grudging job.
Find your calm place
But what if you're so angry that vinegar comes pouring out?
Often we say hurtful words because we ourselves are hurt or angry. Sometimes it feels as though we have no choice... that the words just spill out of us. But we do have a choice. Just as we would not hit someone in anger, so we can also choose not to hurt someone emotionally with our words.
Next time you are so angry you feel as though you're about to say the wrong thing, stop.Breathe deeply. Calm down. Have a cup of chai. Go for a walk. Play Candy Crush on your phone.
In New York there's a restaurant, where you can pay to smash glass plates against a wall (I hear there's one in Mumbai, too, now). If you're in the neighbourhood go there and smash some plates.
Make the world a better place
Now that you've released any pent up hurt and anger, you can go back and have that difficult conversation from a calm place. You can now think rationally, use the power of kindness your words are capable of, and inspire someone instead of hurting them.
Words can be wonderful. And they can be hurtful. Choose them carefully because they make you more powerful than you know. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but the tongue is mightier still. So before you unleash your words on someone, find the kindness that lies within you, and choose to inspire.
Choose words that become bigger than you - words that inspire a great life, that give birth to great ideas, that give rise to great friendships, that can make the world a better place.
As Robin Williams, a man who always used his words to make the world laugh, said: "No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."
*abusive words
The above has been written by Anisa Virji for Common Sense Living.
Anisa Virji is the Managing Editor of Common Sense Living and Wealth Builders Club India, and authors the Common Sense Living Letters.
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