Smile Please!!

Humour is a very difficult subject. Nothing to joke about.
Timing is of essence and your audience reaction is of utmost importance.
Further, it depends whether your audience has heard the same earlier.
Hardly anyone can claim to recite original humour. They are passed on from day to day, week to week and generation to generation and nowadays from email to email.
Characters change according to the place whether the humour is being recited.
I always mention the source of my jokes, if I remember it.
The following are selected from "Silicon India" who send various interesting articles.
You may have read or heard some of them earlier.
I too have read some earlier but the criteria for a good joke is that it makes you smile, even when recalling it and it should not hurt anyone except Irishmen, Englishmen, Scotsmen, Jews, Bengalis, Marwaris, Sardarjis, Madrassis and blondes.

----------------------------------------------------------

A retired couple is lying in bed one night and are discussing all aspects of their future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?" husband asked wife.

After some thought, she said, "I'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age."

Then wife asked husband, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

----------------------------------------------------------

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.

She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

-------------------------------------------------------------

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:


Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the lady started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Would you please keep your mouth shut?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the man turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP!??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

She replies, "Only when he's been drinking."

-----------------------------------------------------

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

------------------------------------------------------

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

---------------------------------------------------------

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Um...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 25,000 bucks?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.The maid comes back to the phone.

"What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What! There's no pool here?"

"Uh... is this 2263841?"

----------------------------------------------------