Some Catholic Humour

A married Irishman went into the confessional
and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to see that woman again.. For your penance,
say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze
seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery,
and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open
and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed
by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open
and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because
instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'


Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only
a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead...
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church.... But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000
is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic

Sent by Prakash Bhartia