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1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim
3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide
You may be a Muslim
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your underwear.
You may be a Muslim
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim
10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim
11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
You may be a Muslim Sent by Prakash Bhartia
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog,
Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning,
just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the road?"
The father went white and exclaimed,
"I hope you shot that son of a ****** before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
Our poor cricketers have worked so hardly that we should not grudge them some rewards. But these media people are so nasty that they like to splash everything.
Sent by Keith Hayward
I wonder if Yuvraj needs a driver for his second Audi as I would like to apply for the position:
Land, job, car? India cashes in
Ben Doherty, New Delhi
April 5, 2011
Sachin Tendulkar shakes hands with Indian President Pratibha Patil. Photo: AP
To the 11 men who won India the Cricket World Cup comes the thanks of a grateful nation.
In the euphoria of India's win, it seems all 1.21 billion people in this massive country have a tribute in the form of a house, car, stadium, honorary degree or tens of millions of rupees.
These were already well-paid, well-cared-for men, each with lucrative endorsements and revered as semi-deities the length and breadth of the country. But the largesse of this ecstatic nation knows no bounds.
India captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni poses with the World Cup trophy. Photo: AP
None of India's cricketers catch trains. And they have less need now every team member has been given a car by Hyundai (and man of the tournament Yuvraj Singh a second from Audi).
But in case the urge to ride the rails overwhelms, India's Railways Ministry has announced lifetime first-class rail passes for the team, pointing out in its press release that the players are entitled to travel in the airconditioned carriage.
A builder in Rajkot is giving each member of the squad a plot of land, including South African coach Gary Kirsten, even though he's leaving.
And Air India, which ''employs'' four cricketers as deputy managers of offices around the country, has announced they will now be promoted to managers.
''All of them are our regular employees and attend office regularly when they are not playing,'' an airlines spokesman said, without confirming whether they had come to work yesterday.
Meanwhile, a grateful real employer, the unimaginably wealthy Board of Control for Cricket in India, not to be outshone, announced a bonus of 10 million rupees ($A211,500) for each player. State governments across the country are shrewdly rediverting taxpayer dollars to India's most precious resource.
The Chief Minister of Karnataka has promised a residential plot in the capital Bangalore for each team member, and most state governments have offered their home-town players cash gifts of between 10 million and 20 million rupees.
The state of Uttarakhand has promised another plot of land or a house for adored batsman Sachin Tendulkar and captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni, and a host of players have been awarded state honours and medals.
The inscrutable Dhoni, who won the final with a towering six, is the focus of much of the munificence.
He's been recommended for an honorary doctorate by a minister from his home state of Jharkhand, while the Chief Minister of Uttarakhand has promised to build a stadium in his honour.
Famously cool under pressure, and a deeply spiritual man, Dhoni has taken the victory in stride. He appeared for photos the morning after the final with his head shaved. He politely declined to explain, but it was reported that before the tournament his guru told him to cut off his hair between 2.45am and 3am after the final as an offering.
Long-term, this victory has set the players up to make more money, through endorsements. Dhoni's asking price per product is likely to nearly double to 100 million rupees a year. Tendulkar can command 60 million rupees an endorsement.
''This team has reached a different level, the emotional connect will be huge … the rates are northward bound for most of the key players,'' sports marketing consultant Mahesh Ranka told The Times of India.
Hello Radheshyam, a message to Sachin and the boys, from us Anglo-Indians born in Calcutta but now living Overseas "Thanks for the Memories". Regards, Keith.
I never really liked the terminology "Old Farts" but this makes me feel better about it.
And if you ain't one, I bet ya you know one!
I got this from an "Old Fart" friend of mine!
I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
a.. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
b.. Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor , Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2011, not to mention Vietnam and Afganistan .
c.. If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to wome
d.. Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
e.. Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
f.. Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
g.. It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts!
Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know.
I was taught to respect my elders….It's just getting harder to find them.Sent by Keith Hayward
Sachin Tendulkar takes a victory lap along with daughter Sara and son Arjun
The above photo has come out in most newspapers.
It was sent by Keith Hayward.
I normally do not watch cricket matches ever since they became 24 x 365 hours cricket.
I become bored watching cricket.
However, I allowed myself to watch the last five overs of the India-Pakistan high voltage match and enjoyed India winning.
I planned not to see the finals and slept through the complete Sri Lanka innings.
When India started batting I started watching but as soon as India lost two quick wickets my wife changed channel and started watching her various soaps.
Every now and then my wife would switch channels to see what was happening at Wankhade stadium.
It was only when India crossed 200 that we started watching the match continuously.
These matches result in enormous tension to the viewers.
The benefit, if any, is obtained by the players (1 crore +) each and all those associated with BCCI.
What do the viewer get?
Only tension.
Some people in Pakistan died of heart-ache and one committed suicide after their team lost.
Probably the same may happened in Sri Lanka.
So why create tension for yourself.
Better to watch the last five overs, only if your side is winning.
Sent by Keith Hayward
